Growing Up as Dads
Despite a terrible role model in Donald Trump, American fathers are quietly evolving into better, more complete parents.
Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding last month spoke volumes about the kind of father the president is.
Donald Trump Sr. couldn’t find time in his schedule to attend the marriage ceremony of his eldest son. Donald the dad said he had important matters to attend to in the White House, but the explanation wasn’t convincing–even with the disastrous war with Iran hanging in the balance.
After all, Trump Sr. has devoted plenty of hours in recent weeks to talking about his beloved ballroom and triumphal arch. And he spent at least five days golfing in May.
The wedding no-show showed a kind of performative fathering. A dad-hood that is much more about what’s convenient for the man than what cultivates healthy, happy, resilient, responsible children. Including adult children–after all, positive parenting extends well after a kid’s 18th birthday.
Trump embodies other aspects of a conventional approach to fatherhood: dad as distant, often-disapproving disciplinarian.
It’s a flavor of fathering that typically leaves scars on children and dads alike. Despite having a terrible role model in the White House, though, a hopeful story about fathering in America is quietly unfolding. Many fathers — young dads especially — are embracing a different way of parenting. They are dedicated to being more connected, compassionate, complete fathers.
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America has an idealized view of fathers from decades past. The pipe-smoking “father knows best” who would come home from work for a game of catch with Junior. Who would mete out “tough love” judiciously as a needed counterbalance to the sometimes-coddling love of the mother.
Setting healthy boundaries is part of a father’s work in rearing children–though mothers can set limits as well. Dads do tend to have different, more physical play styles that help with children’s development. What’s more, fathers providing financially in part or in whole for their families is noble.
Today, it often takes the incomes of two parents to make ends meet. And that affordability challenge is something that observers on both the left and right bemoan.
But MAGA world’s push for a return to 1950s social norms, with men as sole breadwinners and unquestioned heads of the household is deeply misguided. Not just for women, who are relegated to “trad wife” roles in the home whether they like it or not. But for children. And for fathers.
The ugly underside of the traditional dad is often a parenting style defined by fear. An intimidating fatherhood where dad wields the belt or other harsh consequences. Children tend to be harmed — if not outright traumatized — by parents who engage in physical punishment. These children also learn to rely on external “sticks” to do the right thing rather than develop an internal moral compass.
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Fatherhood in the traditional model easily becomes more about what makes the dad “proud” rather than what the child feels called to do and become.
MAGA fatherhood also is married to MAGA’s vision of masculinity overall: a confined, outdated manhood that requires men to dominate, to avoid any sign of vulnerability, and to suppress emotions other than anger.
The message to boys, especially, can become a warped, aggressive, profoundly anti-democratic one. Consider what Trump’s own father told him: “be a killer,” “be a king.”
So, a cold, remote fathering has been common in our country. And it has had heartbreaking results. More than a quarter of Americans report periods of estrangement from their fathers. That compares with just 6 percent of U.S. adults estranged from mothers.
With 16 percent of Americans currently estranged from at least one parent, millions of fathers and their children are cut off from each other.
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But there’s hope when it comes to fatherhood in America.
More and more men are adopting a more mature approach to fathering. We are evolving toward parenting that is more emotionally intelligent, more committed to meaningful bonds with children, and more equitable with partners.
In recent years, the number of stay-at-home dads in the United States has grown. Fathers represented nearly one in five (18 percent) stay-at-home parents in 2021, up from 11 percent in 1989. An estimated 2.1 million American men are stay-at-home dads, deeply involved with raising their children.
Covid accelerated the shift toward more engaged fatherhood. Millions of men abruptly found themselves working from home — and confronted more directly with the duties of caregiving. Many of the men who leaned into parenting during the pandemic were transformed, according to authors Brigid Schulte and Kate Mangino.
“By pushing more men into caregiving, the pandemic has also helped them see it as an important part of their identity,” the two wrote in Slate. “And they want to keep doing it.”
A related development is the rise of dad support groups. Earlier generations of fathers bonded over the rights of divorced dads. But newer men’s groups focused on fathering often emphasize emotionally attuned parenting. This includes honesty about the loneliness and isolation fathers can feel. The “Dads Supporting Dads” group, for example, publishes the “DILF Handbook,” where DILF stands for “Dad I’d Like to…Friend.”
From the Dads Supporting Dads website: “While most parenting books focus on your baby, this book focuses on YOU — offering tools to tackle the hidden struggles of modern fatherhood, from identity shifts to paternal burnout and social isolation.”
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Right-wing culture warriors worry about the “femininization” of men and society. If they truly cared about making America great for kids and men, they would applaud the way more dads today are focusing on caring rather than scaring.
Sociologists have found that warm, nurturing dads produce a “good father effect,” as a 2023 Wall Street Journal article put it.
The article cited research finding that “fathers who were involved in caregiving and play, and who reacted with warmth and greater sensitivity to a child who expressed emotions, were significantly more likely to have children with better emotional balance from infancy to adolescence.”
Those emotional skills have been linked, in turn, to benefits including higher levels of social competence, academic achievement, and resilience. Poor emotional regulation is linked to anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
Active fatherhood also changes men in positive ways.
Men’s biochemistry shifts, including a drop in hormones including testosterone. “Low-T” men are a bugaboo among the manosphere set. But while dads lose some of the hormone associated with aggression, involved fathers gain more of a hormone associated with deep satisfaction. Oxytocin — sometimes called the “love hormone” — rises as dads spend time with kids.
Other research has found links between parental involvement and positive changes in new fathers’ health, including improved psychological well-being as well as reduced smoking and drinking.
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That’s not to say a warmer, less fearful approach to parenting is easy for dads. In some ways, it is harder to establish clear boundaries. It takes more time. It requires trust that children misbehaving will learn more from consequences such as time-outs and calm conversations than from severe spankings or shaming, loud lectures.
But the payoff of this newer, more active approach to fathering is worth it.
I speak from the experience of raising two kids as a (mostly) nurturing, involved dad. About two decades ago, I left a prestigious journalism job for a lower-status trade magazine to collaborate more equally in parenting with my wife. I coached my kids for eight straight years in youth soccer and baseball.
And though I yelled at my kids more times than I can count, I always apologized to them for letting anger get the best of me.
There were moments I doubted my attempts to parent mostly through positive reinforcement rather than punishments. But my kids reserved their snottiest behavior for my wife and me. Almost universally, the parents of their friends described them as polite, delightful young people.
And now I’m reaping the rewards of those years of patience, persistence and faith. My children are now young adults in college. I’m biased of course, but I would describe them as curious, kind, and passionate about their respective fields of study — forestry in the case of my oldest; art and sustainable agriculture in the case of my youngest.
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My kids also supported me when I needed them this past year. I was diagnosed with appendix cancer last May. As I weathered chemotherapy infusions and a 10-hour surgery, Julius and Skyla hugged me, held my hand, pushed me to exercise, stayed overnight in the hospital with me.
Today, I’m cancer-free. And I couldn’t be prouder of how my kids showed up for me.
It’s a joy to see them make their way in the world. And it’s a gift to be able to develop a relationship with each of them as adults — a kind of friendship, really.
Most of the dads I know have much in common with me. Fatherhood for us in the age of Trump has to do with growing up as dads. We are striving to be better, more complete fathers than earlier generations.
And we wouldn’t miss our kid’s wedding for the world.
Ed Frauenheim is a writer and speaker based in San Francisco. He is co-author of the 2020 book, Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection and the author of the FrauenTimes substack newsletter.
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