As someone who was raised by one of those fathers who did use a belt or his hand to spank, I applaud the young men of today and their involvement in raising their children with caring and understanding. It took me many years to realize my father was misguided and ignorant. His way of discipline was to humiliate. I remember we used to go to church on Sunday and if I wiggled too much, I was sent to kneel in a corner of a room at home. I always feared my father. And in the end, he disowned me and he had disowned my brother and I never felt freer. After he passed away, I did forgive him for his ignorance, but I can never forget what was done. I never saw him again after I was disowned.
That sounds like a rough experience with your father. And not uncommon, sadly. The fear-based fathering you're describing was a big part of my dad's approach too. I also applaud this shift to caring, understanding parenting by younger dads. That approach can give kids a sense of freedom without the estrangement that you and many others have experienced.
I have gotten over most of it. And I’ve learned in my 75 years on this earth that are worse things that could’ve happened. I’ve been blessed in my life and I’m grateful for each day. He was first generation Italian and brought up in the 30s and 40s. Fought in World War II and came back changed from what I understood from various family sources. In some respect the way I hear the orange fell and talk. Reminds me of some of the things my dad used to say. He would criticize people for smiling and their gums would show. He would criticize Jimmy Durante’s nose. Small things but led to a lack of self-confidence for myself in my late teens early 20s. Thankfully, I’m married young and got out even though my own marriage failed 13 years afterwards. I agree, the young men of today are more involved with their children than ever before and I’m grateful to see that.
Kudos to you for moving through the challenge. And I appreciate your forgiveness and what I hear as empathy for your dad.
The criticism of Durante's nose etc reminds me of my dad's tendency to judge others too. I think that was part of an earlier generation's sense of what a smart person--maybe a smart man in particular--was all about.
But I think that tendency led to/leads to close-mindedness. Limited the men/fathers from a fuller life. And shrank the confidence of those around them.
As someone who was raised by one of those fathers who did use a belt or his hand to spank, I applaud the young men of today and their involvement in raising their children with caring and understanding. It took me many years to realize my father was misguided and ignorant. His way of discipline was to humiliate. I remember we used to go to church on Sunday and if I wiggled too much, I was sent to kneel in a corner of a room at home. I always feared my father. And in the end, he disowned me and he had disowned my brother and I never felt freer. After he passed away, I did forgive him for his ignorance, but I can never forget what was done. I never saw him again after I was disowned.
That sounds like a rough experience with your father. And not uncommon, sadly. The fear-based fathering you're describing was a big part of my dad's approach too. I also applaud this shift to caring, understanding parenting by younger dads. That approach can give kids a sense of freedom without the estrangement that you and many others have experienced.
I have gotten over most of it. And I’ve learned in my 75 years on this earth that are worse things that could’ve happened. I’ve been blessed in my life and I’m grateful for each day. He was first generation Italian and brought up in the 30s and 40s. Fought in World War II and came back changed from what I understood from various family sources. In some respect the way I hear the orange fell and talk. Reminds me of some of the things my dad used to say. He would criticize people for smiling and their gums would show. He would criticize Jimmy Durante’s nose. Small things but led to a lack of self-confidence for myself in my late teens early 20s. Thankfully, I’m married young and got out even though my own marriage failed 13 years afterwards. I agree, the young men of today are more involved with their children than ever before and I’m grateful to see that.
Kudos to you for moving through the challenge. And I appreciate your forgiveness and what I hear as empathy for your dad.
The criticism of Durante's nose etc reminds me of my dad's tendency to judge others too. I think that was part of an earlier generation's sense of what a smart person--maybe a smart man in particular--was all about.
But I think that tendency led to/leads to close-mindedness. Limited the men/fathers from a fuller life. And shrank the confidence of those around them.